This story plays over and over again in my head. I explained this situation relatively in previous postings. My definition of unrequited meaning wanting something you can’t have. I’ve come to realize I wanted this person for all the wrong reasons. Status. Self-esteem. Eye Candy. This is inside the mind of a teenager at the time. As I grow older, I realized the error of my ways.
Lets agree on one thing here: back in middle and high school, if your were not the most handsome..or even athletically gifted…
No one came out of this unscathed. I became needy of attention. At the time, I felt all the attention of my parents became focused on my sister. So when I did get attention from a woman, a beautiful one at that, it made me feel..alive. Made me feel like I was wanted. All the times I was made to feel inadequate. Too short. Too skinny. Too nappy. Too ugly. Too poor. Any positive attention I recieved from people, especially women, I began to latch on like a parasite and refused to let to.
I talked about unrequited love in a previous posting so I’m not going to to into detail but here’s the gist of it: November of ’12: I managed to get my heartbroken by a woman who wasn’t even my woman! 😂 never told her my feelings. Never asked her out. Hell, I never even had her phone number. I just expected her to know automatically. Maybe it was due to way I was raised, where love wasn’t said, it was shown. Maybe she knew but didn’t want to lead me on. Or lead in general because a man should know how to.
September of ’15, I saw her again and I felt nothing. No joy. No anger. No entitlement, just indifferent towards everything about her. It took me a year to realize there was nothing, I mean nothing we had in common. The conversation we had alone (in a span of 30 seconds) was a mixture of a dog chasing a tail and a constipated baby: going around in circles and pointless. You would be suprised how a pretty face can be a man’s kryptonite.
I chose for sanity purposes to walk away and never look back. Only if I knew what I knew now. If we would have ever got into a relationship, it would have played out like when Chris got into a relationship with Tasha (Everybody Hates Chris). Did he really win in that scenario?
Instead of leaving you with a biased viewpoint, I’ll leave you with this. Love isn’t something you feel automatically. Matter of fact, Infatuation is a feeling, Love is a choice. You choose it every single day of your life. Im just trying to find what it means now at 22.